Friday, July 1, 2011

Big Bad Evil Emperor

He was the Big Bad Evil Emperor. He had his own castle and a dungeon filled with many monsters. Yes, there were some 150 heroes coming to kill him. No, he didn't have any damsel in distress. The last time he tried to abduct one, his whole army got annihilated. No, he had never harmed a single village at all. No he had no wealth to give. No, no one would get any fame for killing him, arguably the weakest Evil Emperor  in history. So why would 150 heroes randomly decide to kill him? Because heroes are stuck-up, insensitive individuals who care nothing for the different lifestyles and cultures of the many unique creatures on the diverse land presented to and equally obtainable by any number of racially different beings. The point is that heroes don't care much about anyone except themselves, as you will see.

Yep, I'm the Big Bad Evil Emperor. Whoever invented that title should be killed because my real name is Rock. I know, who names their kid after a pebble on the ground? Well, for some reason, I was granted the title by an old man randomly strolling through the park. Actually, I'll bet that he was aligned with those heroes. I'll bet that they ran out of Evil Emperors to fight and had to invent a new bad guy. Well, that's how I got my job as the Evil Emperor. For some years now, they've let me live peacefully. They sent a messenger and told me to build up an evil army for when they were ready to fight. So that's what I did. I built an evil army. And then just last week, a messenger told me that they'll come attack me now. Yeah, pretty random huh?

So I've been waiting for a while now. It's been three months since they started their quest to kill me. I'd be very angry if they made me do all this for nothing. But my good friend here, Iv is his name, told me that heroes have to train on a whole bunch of weak monsters to get stronger and get new items before fighting me. So what was the point of making my army is they were just gonna go fight something else? It doesn't make any sense at all. And then Iv told me that heroes like to do a lot of side quests and prolong the main quest as long as possible to create suspense. That made me mad. Why would they announce that they were gonna fight me if they weren't even ready? It made me want to send everything to kill them, but Iv told me that I couldn't do that because I'm the final boss. Well, being the final boss is the ultimate suck job, I can tell you that. I'll bet that all the news reporters are following the heroes very closely. And how much coverage do I get? None. Actually, I think I was given a couple seconds of screentime, but it was just a sketch of my face. The sketch was actually very good. I should hire the artist for some work around the castle.

So then I hired my own information boy. I paid him a good amount just for giving me what everyone else got: news. The boy didn't want to learn my name. I didn't want to learn his. All I wanted was the news. So when I got my first report, I was pretty mad. They claimed that I destroyed 3 towns and stole all the valuables from a local temple (don't ask me who the they are. I don't know which noun they refers to). I can tell you with the strongest word for certainty that I didn't do it. How could I when I have been stuck in my castle for all this time? So I hired another boy. This one didn't want to learn my name. I didn't want to learn his either. The kid got me the real news, the stuff he saw with his own eyes. I found out that it was those same damn heroes who caused the destruction. And they had the nerves to pin the blame on me! What self-righteous hero does a thing like that? Well Iv told me that since I wasn't doing any of the killing and destroying, the heroes needed to do some for me. Iv said there needed to be some conflict. Well, I said, "That's bullshit." (don't ask me what that refers to either)

I was really angry, you know. If I wanted to be blamed for something, I would have done it myself. So I sent my cavalry to attack those heroes. My news boy told me that the heroes won pretty easily. That was a huge surprise to me. I had 500 horsemen in that group. How the heck do 150 heroes do that? And then I learned that one of the heroes died from the battle. For 15 days everyone sand songs about the dead guy's bravery. That's craziness. It was just one guy. Did anyone cry over the 500 lost horsemen or sang songs about their obedience? Nope, it was all about that one guy. (don't ask me what it refers to)

Then I found out that I wasn't suppose to kill anyone yet because it was too early. Well, at that point I threw out all the rules in the Guide to Being an Evil Overlord. All they did was give advantages to those heroes. I sent my pet dragon to decimate 30 towns before those heroes decided to show up. They didn't even bother to show up on time! Were they expecting me to wait for them or something? Apparently yes. Iv told me that traditionally I'm suppose to pause a moment even though I can kill everything.

Yeah they defeated my dragon. But not before 7 of them died. And those 30 towns? Yeah they won't be selling upgraded weapons and armor there anymore. Now isn't that more fair?

It was pretty obvious that they were annoyed.Who wants to play with someone that doesn't play with the rules? So they gathered an army of 100,000 people. 100,000 people! Can you believe that? I'm pretty sure I saw some kids in there (not me personally, my news boy, but it sounds better if I just say me)! And they marched nonstop to my castle. They never slowed down, and they never ate. It's not surprising then, that half of them left and deserted before even reaching the bridge that connected my land to theirs. And then another half fell off the bridge. Unbelievable! What person would drive people like cattle and force them to die young? The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to kill them. The heroes, I mean. Not the people.

My spellcasters frightened all the villagers away, but they were killed by the heroes. The spellcasters are the ones that died, not the villagers. Actually either way works. Then my 30 chimeras fought against the heroes, killing a good 20 of them before dieing themselves. And at night, I sent my rogues to steal all their potions. Of course, they could always use their mages to heal, but that's why I sent the chimeras. All their mages were dead. At this point things got ugly. They burned down all of my forest and killed the critters living there. I sent ogres and golems and all my strongest creatures to stop them and protect the innocent, but the heroes couldn't be taken down. Those guys had a nasty temper (the ogres had nasty tempers too but I'm talking about the heroes here). So when they went back to buy weapons and potions, they were out of luck. Apparently they didn't know that when you recruited all the people of the land, there is no one left to make any goods. So they tried to search for the Infinity Plus One Sword and the rest of the legendary weapons that could one hit anything. No luck. I took those things a long time ago when I was bored. So the remaining 100 stormed my place. I met them outside, of course. No one wants murderers inside their home. Yeah, a few of them died, but so did all my monsters that I spent years raising. Those heroes were dead tired, but they wouldn't give up. I didn't have any monsters left.

I admit, I was scared. What the heck could I do? That's when I remembered that I had my goblins left. I admit, they are weak. One on one, even I can win. But I had 100 goblin farms producing hundreds every hour. So my one million goblins took them on. They died really fast in the beginning, but the heroes were tired. Then my goblins gave the most amazing whoopass in the history of the hero and evil emperor game. At this point, Iv told me that this wasn't how the final battle was suppose to go. I was suppose to make them fight the strongest monster in my possession. That's when I told Iv that they did that a long time ago when I tried to protect the forest. That and goblins make much better end bosses.

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